


DaveJade Divorce Fever: Apple Juice and Robot Daughters

by FunkMcLovin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Divorce fever, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23843350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunkMcLovin/pseuds/FunkMcLovin
Summary: Jade leaves Dave in charge of their robot daughter's nutrition.Inspired by these tweets:https://twitter.com/v_sh4rp/status/1254102366040715264?s=20
Relationships: Jade Harley/Dave Strider
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	DaveJade Divorce Fever: Apple Juice and Robot Daughters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vulcan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulcan/gifts).



JADE: okay im going out dave! make sure to take care of yiffy while im gone!

DAVE: awesome

DAVE: its so great that im comfortable with you going out at odd hours  
DAVE: just really killer that we are both so secure with each other

JADE: ...

DAVE: anyways have a good time

JADE: dont wait up.

The door slammed behind Jade with a note of finality. Dave clapped his hands together, turning to face his daughter. The little yellow robot stared unblinking up at her father, hands at her sides, completely motionless.

DAVE: alright yiffster lets do this

Yiffy's golden eyes tracked Dave as he walked to the kitchen, trotting along behind him. The neural network she operated on was learning slowly, like a flesh-child would, but she was sharp for her "age." She was only about two weeks old, but she was already grasping motor functions and even language.

DAVE: you hungry champ?

Yiffy processed Dave's words with a whirring noise before nodding quickly. Another feature was Yiffy's ability to process food as fuel. Jade seemed to think this was pretty normal, but Dave got a kick out of it every time. He knew it was just so Yiffy would seem as lifelike as possible, but to him, it made her even more endearingly robotic.

DAVE: alright jade says you can eat normal food  
DAVE: normal food uh

Dave opened the fridge. Dave wasn't the best cook in the world, raised by a man who kept swords in the fridge, so when he peeked into his own hunger trunk to find only raw hamburger and a package of tortillas, he was at a loss.

DAVE: aha

Then, Dave located it. The golden elixir, squirreled away behind a bottle of ketchup: AJ. Appled Juice.

DAVE: shit i havent introduced you to the joyous world of apple juice yet huh kiddo

Yiffy said nothing, regarding the gravid golden carton with curiosity, tilting her head to the side. Dave couldn't help but crack a smile. It felt good to raise something, even a robotic facsimile of a daughter. He didn't care if Yiffy was a robot, he loved her, he was in awe every time she picked up on something he did. She hopped onto the dining room chair, watching him expectantly with those big round eyes.

DAVE: alright lets see

Dave stroked his chin.

DAVE: i dont have anything to eat so  
DAVE: maybe i can just

Dave poured out eight cups of apple juice.

DAVE: this looks like enough

Gathering the eight glasses in his arms, he deposited them clumsily on the dining room table, hands on his hips.

DAVE: there you go  
DAVE: no better way to start the day than with eight cups of AJ

Yiffy grasped one of the cups in her hands, eyeing it with that taciturn look she gave everything new. Always processing.

DAVE: man i am KILLING it at this parent thing  
DAVE: lol idk why i ever thought id suck at this

Dave rested his head in his hand, staring off into the middle distance. Yiffy unhinged her jaw and tilted the golden ambrosia straight into her metal gullet, spiralling down like the drain of a bathtub. Dave usually got a kick out of seeing that, but he was now lost in thought

DAVE: oh right  
DAVE: residual childhood trauma and how my crippling tendancy to be indecisive at key moments in my life made me lose the only person ive ever wanted to raise a family with haha

Dave wondered what Karkat was up to. He also wondered what Karkat looked like, now. Probably like Solid Snake or something. Dave wondered if he should text Karkat, maybe show him a photo of solid snake. That would be pretty funny, Dave thought.

Dave thought all these things, until his thinking was interrupted by the sound of electric arcing. He turned back to Yiffy with a grin.

DAVE: anyway how are you h-

BOTSPLODE.

===

Across town, Jade parked her car. She took a deep breath, leaning against the steering wheel. Her forehead rested on the pleather, her eyes closing, a moment of respite in what felt like a whirlwind.

Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Waiting for her at home was Dave Strider and their beautiful daughter, a picturesque vision she'd dreamed about for years. It was like the universe was giving her everything she'd always wanted, in some horrible monkey's paw version. Her husband was a repressed, delusional shell of a man, her daughter was a metal facsimile, crafted in tandem with her husband's deceased brother-dad, and the world around her was crumbling. Everything good was withering like a flower.

Jade looked up at the motel, the "vacancy" sign flickering, neon lighting the parking lot, bathing it in tacky pink. She took the keys out of her car and stepped into the chilly night air.

There was an empty hotel room Jade had rented out. She didn't know why she'd lied to Dave, why she told him she was going on a diplomatic meeting, but she needed to get away, even for a little while. Things were just too stagnant at home, even after their daughter had been finally introduced to their lives. It was like they were sleepwalking.

Jade flopped onto the motel bed. It was surprisingly comfy. The wallpaper on the ceiling was hideous, little checkerboards mismatched and haphazardly mixed with bubble patterns, but Jade was glad to see something staring down at her. She sighed. She wished something would happen.

The cell phone in Jade's pocket rang. It was Dave. She rolled her eyes.

JADE: yeah?

The greeting was terse, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She was trying to get away from Dave, and here he was, phoning her up.

DAVE: hey uh  
DAVE: haha crazy story  
DAVE: does yiffy have any sort of  
DAVE: dietary restrictions

There was panic in Dave's voice. Jade felt irritation rising in her stomach.

JADE: um!  
JADE: she really shouldnt have anything raw since she cant process it  
JADE: oh and no sugary drinks

On the other end, Dave was rifling around with something.

DAVE: so for instance faygo or cola or  
DAVE: i dunno  
DAVE: apple juice

Jade wasn't stupid. She put two and two together. She put her fingers to the bridge of her nose.

JADE: dave, cut the shit and tell me. on a scale of 1-10 how bad is it?

Dave's response was shameful, like a child caught with a hand in the cookie jar.

DAVE: ten

Jade hung up. A moment later, the Witch of Space had teleported back into her dining room, greeted by quite a scene. Dave looked at her in shock.

DAVE: hey babe uh

Dave was currently on his hands and knees, gathering up the shrapnel that used to be Yiffy's head. Yiffy herself was in the corner, blindly ambulating around the room, arms outstretched like tiny Frankenstein's monster, completely headless.

DAVE: i can  
DAVE: i can explain

The scene before her was too much. Jade blinked, mouth agape, unable to dilute her thoughts into words.

JADE: ...

DAVE: babe i am so sorry i didnt know  
DAVE: i thought shed love apple juice  
DAVE: please just  
DAVE: i can fix this

JADE: aha...  
JADE: hahahahahaha!

The floodgates opened and Jade doubled over, clutching her stomach. Dave's eyebrows knitted together.

DAVE: jade our daughter is literally headless this is no laughing matter

Jade seemed to disagree.

JADE: dave... oh my god what are we doing??  
JADE: this is ridiculous!

Through a giggling fit, Jade wiped a tear from her eye. She snapped her fingers, all of the broken pieces of Yiffy's head snapping together, fixing themselves.

JADE: god  
JADE: i have no idea how things got to be this way but

Yiffy's newly-formed head plopped into Dave's arms.

JADE: what are we doing?  
JADE: this is out of a movie, dave!  
JADE: we cant fix whatever is going on here with a KID!

Dave stood up, holding Yiffy's head under his arm. Yiffy bonked into the dining room table, grasping for her head. Dave handed it to her. The little yellow robochild began trying to screw it onto her neck.

DAVE: what do you mean whats going on here  
DAVE: theres nothing going on here except two loving parents and their unconventional daughter  
DAVE: a family can be a man a half dog and another half dog who is a robot jade

JADE: i know that, dummy!  
JADE: im saying that... this just isnt working.

DAVE: ...

Dave swallowed. He knew this was coming, they both did. Yiffy screwed her head on backwards, fumbling around, making a noise of irritation. Dave knelt down, helping her.

DAVE: hey champ uh

Dave screwed on Yiffy's head the correct way, putting a hand on her shoulder.

DAVE: me and mom have got to hash some shit out okay

JADE: dont say shit in front of yiffy!!!

DAVE: right sorry  
DAVE: look just head to your room and chill for a sec okay

Yiffy looked back and forth between Jade and Dave, shuffling away to her room. Even in this, she seemed passive, but she cast one last look over her shoulder at them as she left.

DAVE: look i know i fucked up jade  
DAVE: but we cant just give up  
DAVE: im starting to really like yiffy

JADE: im not saying we have to give up on her, dave.  
JADE: in fact, i think youd make a terrific dad!

DAVE: really?

JADE: well, first i think you need to learn some basics?

Jade looked over at Dave's "meal" of 8 AJs.

JADE: but yeah! i think we will make great parents

DAVE: then what was all that shit about "this isnt working"

JADE: we will make great parents but  
JADE: separately?

The word hung in the air. It was uncomfortable, but it almost felt like a relief.

DAVE: so

Dave cleared his throat.

DAVE: we ought to break up

Jade put a hand on Dave's shoulder. It was the first time they'd touched in a while. Dave swallowed, making that realization.

JADE: duh!!!!

Dave blinked.

JADE: dave i cant be happy with a guy whos so hung up on our mutual ex! and you cant be happy with a mopey girl who barely knows what she wants any more!  
JADE: of COURSE we ought to break up, dumbass!!

Jade laughed. It really was a relief to say this, and to Dave, it was a relief to hear.

DAVE: so what youre saying is  
DAVE: youre friend zoning me

Dave cracked a smile, and for one horrific moment, Jade remembered what it was like to love him. She hadn't known before what people meant by "bittersweet," but now she did. She slugged his arm, unsure of what else to to.

JADE: haha yeah  
JADE: im friend zoning you

Dave winced at the hit, rubbing his arm gingerly.

DAVE: we should figure out visitation for yiffy  
DAVE: do we explain this to her??  
DAVE: i dont want to break her little metal heart

JADE: i dont think yiffy will know what this is yet. we can explain it to her once shes old enough to ask.

Dave looked back towards Yiffy's room. He swallowed. He was horrible at expressing himself, but something made him speak, forced the words from his lips.

DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: even if things got fucked between us  
DAVE: i uh

The words didn't come easy to the beshaded boy. He ran a hand through his sandy hair.

DAVE: im glad we made something like yiffy  
DAVE: together  
DAVE: to share

Jade blinked. She wished this was the side of Dave she could always see. She wished it was the side of him he would show her, but it wasn't. It would never be, and seeing it just drove that nail in even further.

JADE: heh

Jade tried not to sniffle.

JADE: but before you get visitation youre taking parenting classes.  
JADE: you seriously suck.

DAVE: thats fair

Dave and Jade smiled at each other for the first time in a long while. It felt new and a little strange, but they were staring at each other with something new in their hearts, a feeling of earnestness. Like neither of them had to pretend any longer.


End file.
